Written 24th April 2017
The indecision reverberation.
Things have to change. I have to change too. Maybe I need to change first before anything else can move forward.
The trouble is, I can’t seem to stay on course with anything at the moment. Just when I think I’ve made a firm decision, another idea or scenario appears and knocks the plan sideways. I’m starting to worry about my lack of focus. Not casual focus, but the kind of steady determination that sees something through to its conclusion.
Fitness is the obvious example.
I decide on a plan. I start with good intentions. A few days later, I lose focus, get caught up in something else, and drift away from it. Then the excuses arrive. Tomorrow. Next week. After this one thing. Before I know it, I’m miles off course and unsure how to get back.
There is too much churning around in my head.
Meditation helps. Writing helps. Time with family and friends helps. But none of them fully cures the indecision.
The biggest worry, day to day, is money. Or rather, the lack of it. I spend so much time thinking about bills, food, fuel, and keeping the car running that there is little room left for anything else. Finding work, whether freelance or full-time, is hard. Too often, I either don’t get paid properly for the work I do or I can’t find a job that pays enough without demanding too much in return.
I don’t want to commute into London, but if the money were good enough, of course, I would consider it.
Then there is the physical side. I worry that being overweight and approaching fifty puts hidden obstacles in my way. I know that should not matter, but I also know how the world works. If I could lose weight, fit back into my better clothes, and feel comfortable in myself again, perhaps that would help.
As I sit here writing this, it seems clear that much of the indecision comes from a lack of confidence. The fix, then, has to involve rebuilding that confidence. Not through some grand reinvention, but through small, consistent acts that remind me I can still make progress.
I am tired of feeling trapped in a version of myself I no longer recognise.
So perhaps it begins there. Less noise. Fewer promises. More movement. More care. A return to the body, and from there, maybe a return to confidence.
Who knows, maybe the writing will change too.
Until next time,
adieu.