HKT

Written 4th November 2017

A moment of clarity?

Despite my best efforts, I am having a hard time maintaining focus on anything.

It probably does not help that I have a massive head cold and feel like poo. But still, let me break it down.

Since the beginning of the year, I have tried hard to make things work. My ideas remain just that. Ideas. For a while, I thought about starting a few more blogs, then scrapped that idea. I threw myself back into photography, shot a wedding, produced some stock images of Dreamland for a friend, and not much else.

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Written 28th October 2017

Time for walking.

All the fitness plans and all the people who create them do not really work for me. Spending days in a gym trying to become some ideal version of a man holds no appeal.

When I was young, I was out on my bicycle whenever I could. I rode everywhere. Friends’ houses. Shops. School. Anywhere my fleshy little pistons would take me.

I loved my bikes.

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Written 25th October 2017

It’s official. I’ve realised that I’m having a midlife crisis.

For many months now, I’ve been struggling to find direction. When I really think about it, this has probably been going on for years.

Back in 2011, I was working as the projection manager at my local ten-screen multiplex. I was happy. My days were filled with screening films, building them up, breaking them down, and managing a team of four projectionists across the weekly shift pattern.

Life was good.

I was paid well for the work I did. I enjoyed the responsibility. I liked not having to deal with the public. The department felt almost like a business within a business. Our domain was hidden behind locked doors, projection booths, and quiet walkways, well away from prying eyes.

We felt good about the work. Most of the time, we were left to get on with it. The only time we really emerged was to collect film crates or return boxes to the collection point.

Mornings usually involved rehearsing the films we had built. We checked that the reels were spliced together in the correct order. We made sure everything was right before the first public performance.

Life was good.

It was fun.

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Written 17th October 2017

I’m a planner.

I make plans every day.

Most of them would fulfil me in some way. The trouble is, they rarely happen as often as I would like.

So what am I supposed to do with that?

The first step is probably to look at where my planning succeeds and where it falls apart. Every day, my head fills with things I would like to do. Trips. Projects. Articles. Ideas. Possibilities.

A few months ago, I decided I needed to visit EICMA, the huge annual motorcycle trade show in Milan.

The plan was simple enough. Get a press pass, which I did. Borrow an Indian motorcycle. Ride to Milan. Take photographs along the way. Make notes. Write about the journey across several blogs when I got home.

Easy enough, right?

Not quite.

As usual, life got in the way.

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Written 11th October 2017

Today, I had an epiphany of sorts.

I realised that I have not been the best version of myself.

I have wasted hours and days on things that did not give me much fulfilment. I am not talking about the small pleasures. A film. A TV show. The occasional tub of cheap supermarket ice cream. Those have their place.

I mean the things that should feed your soul, but somehow do not.

I had a glimpse of what that kind of fulfilment feels like last summer, when I took my son and a few close friends into the woods. There was no real plan, other than to spend time with the children and let them do what children do.

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Written 23rd September 2017

It’s after 4 pm on a chilly Saturday afternoon.

As I write, I’m sitting on a bench at my local skatepark, plugged into a brown noise generator and trying to make sense of a few things.

Last night I went to a local pub to see a good friend playing drums with his new band. I only made it in time for the second set, but what I heard was excellent. He seems to have found a band that properly fits him, which is good to see.

These days, I don’t get out much socially. That might be because I don’t have many friends, or much spare cash, or because I’m too miserable to face the prospect of being cheerful for a couple of hours. Let’s face it, I can be a morose sod at the best of times. I have my moments, of course. When I’m on form, I’m a decent bloke to be around, even if my sense of humour is often misunderstood.

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Written 28th July 2017

Climbing mountains helps me focus my mind. It gives me clarity and purpose.

I climbed one the other day, and it nearly killed me.

The walk up Snowdon took me five hours. For an overweight man, that was a serious achievement. It was also the first time Rhona and Karta had climbed the biggest mountain in Wales, so all in all, it should have been a beautiful day.

And it was.

But it was also hard.

By Halfway House, Rhona was genuinely worried about me. I could see it in her eyes. She told me I had nothing to prove to her or to our son.

She was right.

But I had something to prove to myself.

I needed to climb that hill. The same hill I have climbed at least a dozen times before. Lately, I have found myself giving up too quickly. Health, diet, work, social media, all of it. Snowdon became simple in comparison. Keep putting one foot in front of the other until I reached the top.

My mind was determined. My body was not.

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Written 13 July 2017

What to do when bad news rides into town on the back of the black dog.

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Written 1st July 2017

This is a tale of failure and renewed determination.

Last year, I came up with a weight loss plan that seemed simple enough to follow and should, in theory, have produced some dramatic results within a year.

That year has now been and gone, and I’m heavier than I was when I started.

So what went wrong?

Mostly, me.

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Written 24th April 2017

The indecision reverberation.

Things have to change. I have to change too. Maybe I need to change first before anything else can move forward.

The trouble is, I can’t seem to stay on course with anything at the moment. Just when I think I’ve made a firm decision, another idea or scenario appears and knocks the plan sideways. I’m starting to worry about my lack of focus. Not casual focus, but the kind of steady determination that sees something through to its conclusion.

Fitness is the obvious example.

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