#52 - The Compression Algorithm

Written in November 2016, during a period when several long-running assumptions about work, family, and stability were being forcibly renegotiated.

It’s almost that time of year again.

No, not Christmas. My birthday looms once more. In a matter of weeks, I’ll be 48. Time is dragging me, kicking and screaming, towards the big five-oh.

As usual, that has me thinking about where I fit into the world and into the lives of the people around me. I’ve written before about my struggles with health, diet, work, and the plans I keep making and failing to follow through on. So what’s different now?

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#51 - The Education Calibration

Written at a moment when responsibility felt heavier than certainty (October 2016).

October arrived faster than expected. It always does. It is also the month my son was born, which probably explains why it feels louder than most.

This week, we were waiting for the result of his 11+ test. It felt as though the next move for our family hung on that outcome.

If he passed comfortably, grammar school would be an option. If he scraped through, we would need to think carefully. He is bright, curious, and thoughtful, but not naturally suited to environments that prize pressure and conformity above all else. Commitment, yes. Compliance, less so.

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#50 - Run Fat Man, Run

Written at the point where calm had returned, and movement felt possible again.

The end of the summer holidays was coming into view, and it felt like time to move again.

The start of summer had been dominated by stress. We had moved house, routines disappeared, and I let diet and exercise slide. That was a conscious choice. I needed a break from self-surveillance and pressure, and I wanted to be present with my family while things settled.

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#49 - It's Classified

Written at a moment when privacy began to feel like something worth defending (2016).

My life on public display has been shrinking. Deliberately.

This year had already been a difficult one, and the summer forced me to slow down enough to notice what was no longer working. I spent time thinking about my own life and my family's, and how easily attention gets scattered. Real connection had started to feel rare. Digital connection was everywhere.

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#48 - Resistance is Futile

Written in August, 2016

I am a happier man these days, though it did not feel that way at the time.

The months leading up to this were hard. We were told we would have to leave our home of nearly ten years. Then my car failed. What followed was a stretch of relentless logistics: finding somewhere new to live, replacing the car, and trying to keep our son's life feeling normal as everything shifted beneath us.

Just as things began to stabilise, my mother was taken seriously ill. It turned out to be a false alarm, but it arrived at exactly the wrong moment. Stress has a way of stacking itself.

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#47 - The Switch Off Experiments

Written during a period of deliberate withdrawal, when attention felt overstretched and clarity hard-won.

I finally admitted something I had been avoiding.

I was using social media too much. Enough to be shaping my mood, my attention, and my sense of ease in ways I did not like. So I decided to treat it as an experiment rather than a confession.

The first experiment was simple. A month away. No feeds, no constant checking, no reflexive sharing. Apps removed. Sites blocked. Not as a punishment, but as a way of seeing what remained when the noise stopped.

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#46 - The Cohesion Imperative

Written in 2016

I woke up with ghosts in my head. Friends from the past. Family who are gone.

It made me look at the clock.

If I am lucky, I am exactly halfway through my life.

My son thinks I will make it to a hundred. I think ninety-four is enough.

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#45 - Too Much Shit

Written in 2016

The light in the room changes when there is less in it. It feels different.

William Morris said,  "to have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful."

Most of us fail this test.

I look around. I see the "shit."

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#44 - The Instinct Postulate

Written in February 2016

The coach stopped me at the edge of the pitch.

He said my son was a problem. Out of thirty boys, Karta was the one they were close to letting go.

I asked why nobody had spoken to me before. He dodged the question.

My stomach turned. It was a warning.

I rely on instinct now. I learned the hard way. At twenty-five, I stopped listening to my gut, and I fell apart.

I lost years to that breakdown. My memory is still full of holes. I let the wrong people in. I made bad choices.

It took a good friend to keep me grounded. Later, my wife taught me to trust myself again.

That trust is ringing alarm bells now.

It was hard to find a club. Most want players who are already good. This place promised to teach him.

He has gone every week since September. He has never played a match.

I watch him from the sidelines. I do not see a troublemaker. I see a boy trying to learn.

My head says to be patient. It says to see if things improve.

My gut says to take him and leave.

I think I know which voice to listen to.

#43 - The Hermit Syndrome

Written in 2016

This is going to be harder than I thought!

I am becoming a hermit! Not the sort of person you find living in a cave somewhere in the foothills of the Himalayas, but more of a social recluse.

It has been three months since I walked away.

I cut the cords on projects that were taking more than they gave. They were noise. I wanted silence.

I thought empty time would stay empty. I imagined long mornings with books and old films. I was wrong. A vacuum always fills.

I wake before the sun now. I make breakfast. I pack lunches. I walk my son to school.

Then comes the cleaning. The laundry. The maintenance of a home.

Between the chores, I do a little work for my wife’s company. It fits in the cracks of the day.

The afternoon is a blur of school gates, homework, and cooking. By the time the house is quiet again, I am drained.

This is common work. It is what people do every day. But it is also the most important work I have ever done.

We have less money than we used to. We are happier.

The hardest part is protecting this new rhythm. The world still tries to get in.

People ask for small favours. They ask for time I no longer want to give. I am learning to be unavailable.

I am not hiding in a cave. I am just closing the door.

I am taking it one day at a time.

So there you have it, 2016 has been okay so far. I'm not looking too far ahead; that would be foolish. Just for now, I'm taking it one day at a time.