Written 4th November 2017
A moment of clarity?
Despite my best efforts, I am having a hard time maintaining focus on anything.
It probably does not help that I have a massive head cold and feel like poo. But still, let me break it down.
Since the beginning of the year, I have tried hard to make things work. My ideas remain just that. Ideas. For a while, I thought about starting a few more blogs, then scrapped that idea. I threw myself back into photography, shot a wedding, produced some stock images of Dreamland for a friend, and not much else.
Then I tried to push forward with web design.
So far, I have made about a dozen websites. Around half were done for free, mostly for organisations Karta was involved with in one way or another. The other half was for friends, and none made much profit.
So perhaps I need to let that go as a career, too.
I have a broad skill set, but it mostly serves me and the things I enjoy doing. Even those things need trimming and pruning.
There is only one thing I properly enjoy at the moment.
Writing.
Writing is meditation. Therapy. A mirror that shows me all the uncomfortable things about myself. It also gives me clarity of thought. Through writing every day, I am beginning to see what I need to do with my life.
I will never stop dreaming of a better life for my family and me. But I also need to put some of those dreams into storage for a while.
The first problem is simple.
I am a nice guy.
I like helping people, especially friends and family. The trouble with being a nice guy is that some people misunderstand generosity and take the piss. Too often, I get asked to do something or make plans with someone, only for enthusiasm to disappear beneath delays, excuses, and vague promises.
If it happened occasionally, I would not mind.
But it keeps happening.
Which makes me think the problem might be me. I am too trusting.
Recently, a friend asked me to refresh his website. He wanted updates, new information, and a few additions. I agreed, gave him a price, sent an invoice, and said I could start the following week.
That was two weeks ago.
I still do not have the information I need or the payment. So I have stopped waiting. I probably will not be available to do the work later.
Another example came earlier in the year, when someone asked me to design a logo and build a website for a new business. I agreed. A deposit arrived. The work began.
Then came scope creep.
That is when the agreed work starts growing in small increments. A little latitude is normal, but it can quickly get out of hand. In this case, it became a steady stream of βcan you just do this?β and βwe need this changedβ, even after parts of the project had been signed off.
Fairly standard stuff, perhaps. But I was not being paid for the extra work.
Eventually, it became too much, and I walked away. I had to. For my sanity.
It may even have cost me a friendship.
Those are only two examples, but there are others. Business. Friendships. Plans. Promises. I am tired of being let down.
So I have decided that later this month, on my birthday, I am going to mothball the businesses that are getting me nowhere. Instead, I am going to spend a few months writing and learning. I will also find a day job. Something that brings regular money into the bank.
Before that happens, I am going to spend a couple of weeks improving my daily routine.
I will rise early. Read and write for a while. Shower. That first hour will be mine.
Then my family will wake up, and I will focus on getting everyone fed, watered, and out of the door for work and school.
After that, I will walk to the supermarket for food, then read, meditate, and write.
I will make time for an online course. I will look for work. I will do the household chores.
When my family comes home, I will cook dinner, help with homework, and be as present as I can be.
Then I will relax with my wife, watch a little television, and go to bed.
Simple.
Changing my routine should help me say no to the random ideas that keep appearing in my head.
What I need is clarity.
With clarity comes focus. With focus, I might finally see what I am going to do with the rest of my life.
Until next time,
adieu.