HKT

I often wonder why. Why do I do what I'm doing? Why do I not do certain things anymore? Why don't people like me? Why don't I like people? 

Why am I writing this blog? This question is probably the easiest to answer. 

A few years ago, I became interested in telling my story. My life has been a rollercoaster ride. The highs and lows have caused great joy, deep sadness, and turmoil. But the ride is and has been incredible. The highest high was becoming a father. Parenthood completed me; it helped me find my rudder and, of course, some direction.

I have spent the first twenty years of my son's life navigating and preparing a course for what remains of mine. I think I have a pretty good idea of where I want to be and what I want to do with the rest of my life. The next most important thing that I want to achieve is buying our family home. The good news is we've managed to do it, and we're just waiting to sign some paperwork and pay our deposit, and then we'll be homeowners. Albeit, I'm gonna have to spend the next 10 years or so paying down the mortgage balance, but once that's done, that's it. We've done it, and we'll be homeowners. We'll have security for myself, for Rhona, for Karta. Certainly, as we retire, we won't have to pay nearly £1,000 a month just for our home. That's really good news.

Now, as we go into the future, making sure that, when Rhona and I are gone, he has some security financially, but certainly will have somewhere to live. I've never really thought about it like that before, until recently, so I'm just trying to get my head around whether he can understand some of the sacrifices we've had to make. I don't mean that in a nasty way. I want him to understand that he'll go through it himself one day if he has children, too.

The world can sometimes seem to be a scary place. The constant news cycle has everyone on edge. I have found it easier to stop watching/reading/listening to the news. Ignorance really is bliss. That being said, it can sometimes be hard to avoid. That can be incredibly frustrating. All I'm trying to do is narrow my focus to what is immediately around me:

That is my focus. I don't really want to be worried about what's going on in the wider world. There's nothing I can do to stop what happens. I can't stop wars. I can't change what politicians think or do. I'm just one man. I'm nearly 60. What the hell can I do apart from look after me and mine, or the things that are closest to me? Family, friends, my home, my neighbours, things like this. That's where my focus lies. 

I want to go to work, do my job, come home to my family, enjoy my weekends, and just ignore what's going on in the wider world. I don't need to know what's happening in the USA, what wars are happening, who's in power, or who's lost power. It's all just irrelevant to me, and I've got to find ways to limit my exposure to all of that and really focus on my family and friends, the place where I live, and maximising my creativity when I am at home and able to do so. 

Yesterday, we enjoyed a family day out to a car show at Goodwood. It was fantastic. It was also the first time in a long time that we spent the day together as a family. It was a reminder about why I go to work every day. Work pays the bills, it pays for days out, and it pays for a small amount of freedom. I work to live. I don't live to work. It's as simple as that, really. It provides me with a salary and enough money to do some of the things we want to do. We've got a beautiful home now, and we've made it into a place where I really don't wanna go anywhere else when I'm here. No more than a day trip out somewhere tends to be enough, and even then, I can't wait to get home. I can't wait to get back to this solitude, if you wanna call it that, or this safe place, safe haven. It's a lovely place to be.

We're very lucky that we've got this place now, so that's why I must be here as much as possible. In fairness, my job's pretty good. I mean, I work pretty much a day job, a 9-5, if you will, so I'm home every evening, home every weekend. I don't have to work bank holidays. I get plenty of holidays as well, so I've got time off from work when I need it. I mean, the work's hard, but honestly, it's absolutely brilliant that I can just come home, close the door, forget about everything that's going on there and in the world at large.

Karta still has the rest of his life to work out his journey. My job is to help him find his way and be here for him whenever he needs me. My dad wasn't there for me. I have forgiven him, but he died before I could tell him. Maybe that's for the best? 

My son has had the upbringing that I wished for as a kid. Don't get me wrong, I know I was loved, especially by my maternal grandparents, but my mother and father loved me in a different way. I don't really know what they thought about me as a man. By the time they could have been interested, they had died. What a shame. Maybe a little tragic.

That's all for now.